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The Daily Rhino
Sunday, February 18, 2007

I LOVE MTAS!
Originally published in the February issue of Medical Student Newspaper

MMC
is in its third horrible year, so here's a little something for you medical students who find themselves in the midst of being randomly-allocated an F1 job. Next year you'll do it all over again!

Many of you have recently heard whereabouts in the country you are able to apply to for your first job. I thought I could worry you further by sharing the questions you will probably be answering in the future. In an act of unfathomable laziness, I have published my completed F2 form in its entirety.

In this world of uncertain careers, job shortages, cheap flights to Australia and down-banding, it is almost comforting - and by that I mean horrifying - that we have to fill out answers to these mind-numbing questions year after year.

Remember, you must always use all 75 words you're allowed. ALWAYS.

Here are some websites you might find useful when applying for jobs in medicine:

www2.goldmansachs.com/careers
graduates.deloitte.co.uk
www.ubs.com/graduates
www.ml.com/careers
www.pwc.com/uk
www.kpmg.co.uk/careers


foundation copy

Name:
The Daily Rhino

Medical School:
St. George's Hospital Medical School (that was the damn name when I entered)
Tooting

Date of Graduation:
07/06

Primary qualifications:
MBBS (London)
BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate)

Evidence of high academic achievement gained after completion of secondary education (or equivalent):
None.


Using an example from your F1 experience to date, describe how your communication skills have improved an individual patient's care.
An elderly, deaf, confused, Jamaican, homeless man was diagnosed with penile cancer. His difficulty hearing, coupled with his dementia and lack of English comprehension, made it difficult for him to understand when the consultant informed him he had a neoplastic mass in the corpus cavernosum. Hence I decided to use my honed communication skills, by shouting in his ear: “E BLAASCLAAT, YA DINGALING BE CHICHI BRER!” He understood immediately and insisted I was the best shouter he had ever met. (75 words)


Using an example from your F1 experience to date, demonstrate how you have learned from a potentially serious mistake or error and how your practice has changed as a result.
I make mistakes on such a regular basis, I can happily say I am learning a huge amount. It is difficult to identify a solitary mistake, but in retrospect I think one stands out. During my entire career at medical school, I never attended lectures, classes or PBLs once. I chose instead to spend my time watching Sponge Bob Squarepants and listening to Pink Floyd. At the time, I was sure I was doing the right thing, but now I’m fairly confident not attending medical school was a mistake. This occurred to me when I realised I don’t know any medicine on my first day of work. Still, no one’s noticed yet. (75 words)


Describe an example drawn from your F1 experience where teamwork was ineffective. Why do you think it went wrong and what did you learn from it for the future?
During Wednesday evening five-a-side, I made a glorious run down the left wing and Gee didn’t pass out wide, instead trying to make an impossible run past a flat back 3. He does it all the fucking time, MAN it annoys me. So the following week I kicked him in the shins as hard as I could. Haha, that’ll teach him teamwork. (64 words)

And this was very important and so I thought yes the end. (75 words)


In the curriculum there are 16 competencies. Choose 2 and give a different example from your F1 experience for each demonstrating your achievement of this competency and the significance to you.

Safely and effectively uses common analgesic drugs (75 words)
Oh man, the amount of times I’ve used analgesic drugs, jeez I’m so safe and effective, I could do it in my sleep. I mean safe safe, not safe SAFE). Now that cannabis is legal for all uses, I’ll be ideally placed to teach my MS, OA and teenage patients how to roll scuds, pencils, Ls, tulips, megas and super-MCs. I’ll teach them the superiority of silver Rizla and the importance of a poking biro. I have also taken Paracetamol - yeah I was fine thanks. (75 words)

Discusses Do Not Attempt Resuscitation (DNAR) orders/advance directives appropriately (75 words)
A sick patient was going to die but his family felt otherwise and wanted him resuscitated at all costs, despite the medical reg insisting this would be unsuccessful. I tried to help out and I think I got the message across succinctly. I drew my ceremonial bat’leth and slay the patient’s grandson. If the family would protesteth, they would all taste my blade. Too late, I could not spare any of them. As I slashed back and forth, I muttered loudly over my breath, “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” Were a truer word ever spoken? Yes. (75 words)


Give an example of a professional achievement from your F1 year, such as an audit or presentation, not already described and its significance to you.
I have much to be proud of. I have audited some shit about murderation. I write a monthly column for some medical student paper which brings joy to millions. But perhaps the most admirable of my admirable achievements is my ability to slice a man in half with my fist, like Sonny Chiba. I can also punch out a human male’s eyeballs with a fist-punch. Basically, my fists are battering irons imbued with fury. This is significant to me because it’s cool. (75 words)


Describe actions you have taken to prepare for your future career choice and progress made (75 words).
Since a tender age, maybe 4 but I’m not sure, I have wanted to be an evil doctor with a mighty neck beard where I stored actual crunk. I have spoken to my careers advisor and undertaken a SCI59 questionnaire, which both suggested I should follow the course of evil and dedicate my life to the blood god that slaughtered my ancestors. I realise it’s almost impossible to land a London evil rotation, so as staying in the capital is important to me, I’ll probably end up doing histopathology. EVIL histopathology. (75 words)


The programme you applied for:
Emergency Medicine (St George's, 4 months)
Renal Medicine (St George's, 4 months)
Intensive Care Medicine (St George's, 4 months)

The programme you have obtained:
Public Health (Stoke Mandeville PCT, 4 months)
Homeopathy and Reiki (Weston Super-Mare High St, 4 months)
In-house McGP (Slough McDonald’s, 4 months)



Another happy junior doctor.

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Comments:
You were too late with this one. I needed you to ghostwrite my residency applications.
Oh well, there is always fellowship.
 
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